My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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