I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
