im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
