You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
