I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
