i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
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But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
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Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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