there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
