That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
