Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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