So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
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somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
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Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
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