I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
you had me at cake vodka
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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