I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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