Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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