i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
