I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
