she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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