The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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