I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
