and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Randomize
