I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
