just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
