i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
