He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
