I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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