Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
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