I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
