all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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