My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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