just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil