Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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