I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We need to feng shui this bitch.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
