she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
