Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
