I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
