My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
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I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
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I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
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