Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
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That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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