I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
