just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
