When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
