Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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