Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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