ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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