I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
