I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize