as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My balls are so social today.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
