the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
