Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
