plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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