She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
