I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
