I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
