girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Randomize
