two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
