you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you would pick up someone in the library
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
