I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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