Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Semen is not good for contacts.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
