I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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