one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Randomize
