A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I am available for nakedness
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