The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
