i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I just cut my nipple shaving
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
The cops high fived after they tackled you
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
