i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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