I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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